I know what you are all thinking…

It has been quite a while since I last posted, and I know that there have been rumors of “Oh, Fatty’s fallen off the wagon (wheel)!” and “I knew she couldn’t do it!”.   Well. No need to be rude. Fat people still have feelings!

Over the past couple of months, I have had my SIL’s family stay, the planning stages of a complete restructure at work (yes, it is unbelievable that someone would hire this mammoth of a woman! I guess my sparkling personality and hilarious jokes are worth my pay cheque!), my mother’s wedding <3, dramas with my BH’s job and the general day to day irritations of being an overweight blonde city girl.

So, to update you on the past month or so, I had Halloween dress ups at work (we dress up a lot… It’s a fun job!) and while I wanted to dress as a petite little Tinker Bell, I hadn’t yet lost enough weight, and had horrible images of looking like the love child of Kermit the Frog and Sally Struthers. Not. Hot.   So I channeled my inner goth, and went as Morticia Addams. I thought I had lost a bit of weight around the boobie area, but every single man kept saying: “Oooh! Elvira! Great costume!”. I guess maybe my shirt was a little low cut…….

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The Melbourne Cup was next, and I wore a cute (but professional) dress to work. I had heard an urban myth circling my weight loss group, but was skeptical… Until…… Let me start from the beginning.

I currently share an office with my Managing Director. He is a lovely guy, and we spend a lot of time joking and laughing. And working (if he happens to read this). This particular day, I reached for a folder and felt a fresh breeze across my buttocks. Unusual. I looked down, and to my complete horror, my underwear had migrated south, and were dangerously close to heading into Cankle Territory. JESUS CHRIST!

Had it not been for the fact that it was “washing day” and I was wearing those undies that used to be cute and lacy, but are now grey from too many washes and are barely held together from the elastic now masquerading as dental floss, AND that my boss was offsite at a meeting, I am sure I would have been done for sexual harassment*.

The moral of the story is, even though you don’t HAVE to wear stockings anymore…. It is probably a good idea to do so. And buy some new undies.

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The last event was my mothers wedding – or “THE EVENT OF THE YEAR”, if you will.  I had purchased my dress while I was still grossly obese, and as I had shrunk it began looking nicer and nicer. Maybe it is my reverse-body-dysmorphic-disorder, but I think I looked quite nice!

The wedding was absolutely wonderful, my mother looked stunning and the food was DELICIOUS! Ha! Tricked you! I can’t eat any “normal” food.

I was so busy on the day that all I could do was gobble down a Cohen Friendly hamburger pattie whilst bending over to reduce the chances of dripping burger juice on my dress and hiding behind the boot of the car so the other guests didn’t notice me being a freak.

A realisation that came from the wedding, however, was that I am waaaaaaaaaaaaay out of practice for rejecting men’s advances, as I have not been hit on in FOR. EVER.

Unfortunately it was a drunken member of my new step-father’s family, (hey, even though he was blind drunk, I was still picked up. I’ll take whatever I can get these days!) who wanted to dance all night and take photos with me. I had to keep reminding him that “We are family now!” and pointing him in the direction of some other not so related guests. Good times!

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*Just kidding. I work in the film industry. We don’t have any rules or laws against Sexual Harassment. In fact, it is highly encouraged!

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BINGE!

Apologies for the lack of contact over the past few days. This Skinny Girl has had a very busy week.

My sister is going through a bit of a rough time at the moment and has been staying with us, and let me just say, she is NOT on the Cohen’s plan. In fact, she is on the complete opposite of the Cohen’s plan. She is in holiday mode. You know where you stay in your jammies all day, and binge in front of the tv? Don’t say no..  You know what I am talking about.

Before I started the plan, my better half (BH) and I threw out all the food from the fridge and pantry that would not be in our program. We were not going to risk temptation. HOWEVER – I could not throw out the rashers of bacon in the freezer. Seriously. One girl can only do so much.

So, being the lovely sister that I am, I donated the Bacon (<3) to my sister. And let her cook it. In my small apartment. F.A. I. L.   You have never smelled bacon like this.

So, completely oblivious to how much I hated her at that moment, she sat at the dining table eating her gift from Heaven – squashed between 2 pieces of thick white fresh bread, smeared with my favourite butter (although, lets be honest… EVERY butter is my favourite butter), and I ate my minced chicken with a few leaves of lettuce. Gift from Satan.   I’d like to think my manners are well above this level, but I am 99% sure I snarled at her during that meal.

As you may have already read – my BH took me on a weekend away, so I advised my sister that she would have our apartment to herself over the weekend. She was very excited and called her best friend – lets call him Big Gay Al – so they could have a Ru Paul’s Drag Race Marathon.

As all good best friends do, Al arrived carting bags and bags of goodies for them to consume. URGH! I hope they get diabetes (not really but I hated them until I left the house).

A funny thing happened when I returned from the weekend away.

My sister said “I feel so bloated and disgusting – I’m going to go on a diet, starting tomorrow”.   This was great news, and I took her off to the grocery store expecting her to load up the trolley with fruit, vegetables and lean meats. No such luck. We headed straight to the deli where my sister ordered what could only be considered a butcher’s shop quantity of hams, chicken loaf, roast pork slices devon and …. cabanossi. What? This isn’t a diet! This is a vegetarian’s nightmare! – Granted, devon has no actual meat in it… We all know that this diagram makes up hotdogs – devon is the poor sister of hotdogs. Much worse.

Ok. So you want to lose weight. I’ll be the encouraging sister. But those foods are NOT going to get you there.

Unfortunately my sister is as stubborn as a mule – which, incidentally, makes up a good proportion of diet! – and decided that she would do what she wanted, and stick to her “plan”. Ok.

So my BH decided to grill her (no pun intended har, har, har) on this “diet plan”.

BH: Where did you find this diet?

Paige: Al gave it to me.

BH: Is he doing it too?

Paige: Yes.

BH: Explain a normal day for me.

Paige: 50g of protein in the morning, 100g of protein mid morning, 50g protein for lunch, 100 for afternoon tea and 50 for dinner.

BH: ………………….. So………. Where did Al find this diet?

Paige: STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!

BH: What do you drink?

Paige: Water. But I can have Coke Zero if I want.

BH: Oh, you can have Coke Zero?

Paige: Well not really, but I will. And I can have english muffins on the third day too.

BH: Have you made this diet up yourself?

Paige: NO!! Al is on it to! It’s called the “Body Trim Diet”.

BH: Riiiiiggghhhhhtttttt….. I’ll have to google it when we get home.

Here are the results: BODY TRIM DIET

Now, each to their own, and I am sure this has worked for some people, but it is not something you could keep up forever!

Will keep you posted on my little sisters weight loss.

PS. Here is a photo of my sister and I illustrating how sweet and supportive I am.

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