I know what you are all thinking…

It has been quite a while since I last posted, and I know that there have been rumors of “Oh, Fatty’s fallen off the wagon (wheel)!” and “I knew she couldn’t do it!”.   Well. No need to be rude. Fat people still have feelings!

Over the past couple of months, I have had my SIL’s family stay, the planning stages of a complete restructure at work (yes, it is unbelievable that someone would hire this mammoth of a woman! I guess my sparkling personality and hilarious jokes are worth my pay cheque!), my mother’s wedding <3, dramas with my BH’s job and the general day to day irritations of being an overweight blonde city girl.

So, to update you on the past month or so, I had Halloween dress ups at work (we dress up a lot… It’s a fun job!) and while I wanted to dress as a petite little Tinker Bell, I hadn’t yet lost enough weight, and had horrible images of looking like the love child of Kermit the Frog and Sally Struthers. Not. Hot.   So I channeled my inner goth, and went as Morticia Addams. I thought I had lost a bit of weight around the boobie area, but every single man kept saying: “Oooh! Elvira! Great costume!”. I guess maybe my shirt was a little low cut…….

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The Melbourne Cup was next, and I wore a cute (but professional) dress to work. I had heard an urban myth circling my weight loss group, but was skeptical… Until…… Let me start from the beginning.

I currently share an office with my Managing Director. He is a lovely guy, and we spend a lot of time joking and laughing. And working (if he happens to read this). This particular day, I reached for a folder and felt a fresh breeze across my buttocks. Unusual. I looked down, and to my complete horror, my underwear had migrated south, and were dangerously close to heading into Cankle Territory. JESUS CHRIST!

Had it not been for the fact that it was “washing day” and I was wearing those undies that used to be cute and lacy, but are now grey from too many washes and are barely held together from the elastic now masquerading as dental floss, AND that my boss was offsite at a meeting, I am sure I would have been done for sexual harassment*.

The moral of the story is, even though you don’t HAVE to wear stockings anymore…. It is probably a good idea to do so. And buy some new undies.

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The last event was my mothers wedding – or “THE EVENT OF THE YEAR”, if you will.  I had purchased my dress while I was still grossly obese, and as I had shrunk it began looking nicer and nicer. Maybe it is my reverse-body-dysmorphic-disorder, but I think I looked quite nice!

The wedding was absolutely wonderful, my mother looked stunning and the food was DELICIOUS! Ha! Tricked you! I can’t eat any “normal” food.

I was so busy on the day that all I could do was gobble down a Cohen Friendly hamburger pattie whilst bending over to reduce the chances of dripping burger juice on my dress and hiding behind the boot of the car so the other guests didn’t notice me being a freak.

A realisation that came from the wedding, however, was that I am waaaaaaaaaaaaay out of practice for rejecting men’s advances, as I have not been hit on in FOR. EVER.

Unfortunately it was a drunken member of my new step-father’s family, (hey, even though he was blind drunk, I was still picked up. I’ll take whatever I can get these days!) who wanted to dance all night and take photos with me. I had to keep reminding him that “We are family now!” and pointing him in the direction of some other not so related guests. Good times!

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*Just kidding. I work in the film industry. We don’t have any rules or laws against Sexual Harassment. In fact, it is highly encouraged!


Month 1 “keep it up, baby!” present

As you may have noticed over the past couple of posts, I may, sometimes be a bit of a princess. But not often.

My lovely sister-in-law and her family have been staying with us over this past week (hence the lack of blogs). As sisters-in-law do, we have been spending a fair bit of time shopping. Yesterday we went into Myer and I steered my BH towards the watch section as I needed some inspiration for a very special birthday coming up in December. While I was asking the (very unhelpful and uninterested) sales girl to show me some of the big chunky male watches, I eyed off a beautiful gold and “diamond” Armani Exchange watch.

Before I knew it, Miss Slow and Uninterested had wrapped up my watch and we were on our way!

What? What just happened?? BH didn’t even get to try on a watch! – It turned out later that a very clever BH knew EXACTLY what I was doing… And decided to throw a spanner in the works. A pretty, shiny, Armani spanner!  Who’s a lucky girl?!

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The First Steps


I hope you enjoy my musings and confessions over the next few months – I will try to make it as entertaining as I can, but imagine that during the journey (which I will explain to you in a minute) there will be some low points. My goal is to ensure that my journey is recorded in its entirety – rather than glossing over the bad bits.

First and foremost, and without any further ado, let me introduce myself.

I. Am. A. Fat. Girl.

Phew. Glad that is out of the way. Or should I say; I am the “Skinny Girl In The Making”. 10 days ago I started the Cohen’s Lifestyle Plan, and have not looked back. I didn’t have any clothes that fit, I didn’t feel sexy, and most of all I had lost my confidence.

I was always the girl with the “pretty face” or, “you would be so gorgeous if you lost 20 kgs”. Well, I proved them wrong, didn’t I?! I was no longer the “pretty face” girl and losing 20 kgs would still render me MORBIDLY OBESE. Urgh.

My partner had joined me on my “Weight Gain Journey” over the past 6 years, and together we managed to crush several pieces of furniture, load our wardrobes with clothes that wouldn’t fit our left foot (let alone the rest of our bodies), and restrict ourselves to living on the ground floor of any apartment block because the lift wouldn’t be able to take the strain of hoisting us both up at once. Well, not quite – but it certainly felt that way!

I am a former personal trainer – which came to be one of my favourite excuses: “I *know* what to eat and how to exercise, the weight just doesn’t come off!” and I also have PCOS and insulin resistance “which makes it really difficult to lose weight”. Excuses, excuses. I expect to receive a letter from Cadbury’s offering me a seat on their Board of Directors due to the amount of money I have spent on their delicious, delicious products.


My sister-in-law went to school with this woman, lets call her Margaret (because that is her name) who lost a WHOPPING 98kgs in 10 MONTHS through the Cohen’s Lifestyle Clinic – and even better, has kept it off.  So my SIL, Trudie, started raving about it and saying we should do it together, but after all of my failed diet attempts, and the costs of this new program, I was a little weary.

I spoke to my better half about this and we decided that if we could spend the next month eating at home, taking our lunches to work and generally “being good” then it would show that we are ready to commit to this. After behaving myself for the four weeks, we decided that we were ready and took ourselves off to see Margaret.

I jumped on the scales at 95.6kgs – down from 98kgs a couple of weeks earlier! Just eating at home had made a difference!

I had the blood tests and my “prescription” arrived. It seemed really reasonable and the food was all able to be purchased from the fruit market or supermarket. Easy. I really loved that it didn’t seem crazy, like you can only eat organge foods for the first 2 days, juice purple fruits for the next 7 days then fast for 2 weeks after that. Nope. It was 3 meals a day with snacks in between (genius, really!).

The first day was HELL ON EARTH. My better half and I had been to the P!nk concert the night before and had woken up late, craving bacon & eggs and a strong coffee. But we persevered, and ate our scrambled eggs and mushrooms for breakfast with a bottle of water. We then spent the next two hours moping around the house and cleaning reeeaaaaallllllyyyy slowly. Never being more than 3 meters away from the bathroom (the increased water makes it difficult the first few days). By lunchtime we were about to murder each other, but again, cooked our lunch and then went to the shops to distract us from raiding the fridge. We dragged our feet through Westfield and because we hadn’t had our afternoon snack, we decided that we deserved a sleep, and would eat our crackers and fruit with dinner. Two hours later we dragged ourselves off the lounge and went to bed. Worst. Day. Ever.

The next day I packed my lunch and headed to work. It was SO easy! Having work to do and being distracted all day made the time fly, and before I knew it I was heading home. During the first week I remember having a little more energy and feeling a little more “with it”. Which is good news for my boss… A zombie employee is not a good employee. Although I did have to excuse myself during an important meeting to use the bathroom. Hadn’t quite gotten used to the liters of water!

So now, on day 11 of the program, I am into a pair of jeans that I purchased at Xmas that have NEVER fit me – size 16!! Previously I was wearing a 20 in “normal” sizes, 18 in “chubby chick” sizes. Yay for me!



EDIT: So, I spoke to Margaret, if that is her real name… Who had actually lost 40kgs before starting Cohens – how amazing! I just can’t fathom how one stays so focused. The rest of her weight was lost on her Cohen’s journey, and I can tell you – SHE LOOKS AMAZING! What an inspiration!


See her amazing story here  – PS. I have a little secret mini goal… Aside from the obvious weight loss, I want to win slimmer of the year too! 😉