First weigh in of the year

Seventy.

Three.

Point.

Four.

SEVENTY THREE POINT FOUR!!!! WHAT THE HELL?!!

Well. I can’t say I didn’t know that I was putting on weight, but I didn’t think it would be that high. I honestly thought I would be sitting around 70 point something, but certainly not over 71. Wow. See what being in denial does to a woman?

Lets try this for an excuse… Last Saturday night my Sister-In-Law (SIL) had a little 2015 party to kick off the new year. We had a great time before I jumped in the pool and hit my head on something hard. VERY hard. It went a little like this. Fortunately my SIL and her hubby were right there to scoop me up out of the water. Unfortunately I spent the next week looking like I’d been beaten within an inch of my life.

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Some people would call me a narcissist (those people are RUDE!), however I like to think that I have a healthy interest in looking my very best. At all times. Including sleeping, swimming, going to the gym* etc. BH and I had been together for 3 years before I was able to go “natural” (please note while this link did not win, it deserves an honorable mention)

Now, back to me being beautiful – I am not one of those people that uses their looks to get what they want.

Unless I can, in which case, yes, I certainly WOULD like:  that free sample of whatever you are pushing / to jump ahead of you in the queue / the best table in the restaurant / free coffee / a better test result than I had originally received / a discount on my car insurance …. the list goes on. Don’t judge me, I am sure you do the same!

Anywhooooo, with my superpower being severely diminished, and people feeling comfortable asking “What happened to your face?!” in horrified tones at Coles, I felt it was best for me to bunker down, admit myself to voluntary seclusion from the public and society and avoid any reflective surfaces. Which meant that I sat on the lounge training for a marathon.

I am embarrassed to say that I have put on weight. A lot. A lot of weight. And I am not happy. I have no one to blame but myself. And the interstate move. And my head injury. And chocolate.

BUT – you will be pleased to know that I am now committed to SKINNY GIRL IN THE MAKING 2015 and am looking forward to dropping the kilos again before my birthday in February.

Lets put it out there. I will be 65kgs by February 22nd.

Today I have eaten 1 egg mixed with a “teaspoon” of no fat mayo, 2 long black coffees, I am having angus beef mince with vegetables for lunch, and steak and veggies for dinner. I’ve already downed 2 bottles of water, and have been to the bathroom 4 times.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

*HAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAH surely you know by now that I DO NOT go to the gym!

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On the Gain-Train

July 2014 – Then my world fell apart 😦

No, it wasn’t that dramatic, but it was big news in the formerly fat household. BH’s contract was up at the “real job“, and there was a higher position available in Brisbane. Hot, sweaty Brisbane. Thank god I wasn’t morbidly obese anymore! BH was required to fly out immediately, and we both started our new jobs on the same day.

Now, I probably haven’t explained this before, but BH and I are like yin and yang; BH is the strength and I am the nurturing. We complement each other perfectly. Living in different states was a tough time for both of us – especially when we both had new jobs to navigate. So I did the one thing I knew how to do well. Eat.

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August 2014 – The new job turned out to be horrible. Gone were the coffee dates and gossiping with friends, and in came schedules, tight deadlines, high pressure and a boss that I did not get along with. At. All.

Without BH by my side, I became very anxious and sad. We were both too busy with work to spend too much time on the phone, and when we did, we were both tired and cranky. It sucked. So I continued to eat.

September 2014 – The less said about September the better. In my mind, it was like this. I decided to move to Brisbane. The kilos started piling on, and comments such as “Don’t chunk all the weight back on” and “I’m so glad your curves are back” started heading my way. My cute clothes stopped fitting me and I kept eating.

October 2014 – I started packing the house, and letting everyone know that I would be moving interstate. Mum and sister were very sad, but we had plenty of non-cohen dinners in the lead up to my departure.

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November 2014 – I spent the last day catching up with my best friends and crying. I was so sad to be saying good bye, but we had a wonderful pizza lunch.

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December 2014 – On the 1st of December I started my new, new job! And I am very pleased to say that it was NOTHING like the old one! YAY! My happy face had started slowly coming back (despite the botox!!) and I was settling into my new house.

I wrapped up 2014 with my sister-in-law and her family at our house, and am welcoming a fresh new year with open arms (bingo wings included…)!

A year in review (Installment 1)

I received an email this morning telling me that even though I had not posted in a *cough* year *cough*, I still had many, many people visiting my site! While this made me feel incredibly guilty, it may have just been the kick in the backside I needed to get me posting again!

So – from where we last left it. My last post was in November 2013, it is now DECEMBER 2014, and I am pleased to say that I am NOT back to 100kgs 🙂 YAY!!!  Let me give you a brief rundown of my life over the past year.

December 2013 – December marked a milestone birthday for my Better Half. BH’s birthday is on the 23rd of December, so Xmas time is a little bit of a nightmare in our family. We decided to pack up and head to Byron Bay to enjoy our few weeks off work. Remember my sister-in-law? We she lives on the Gold Coast in Queensland and came down to our holiday house for a visit.

When she pulled up, I instantly felt self conscious. Being on holidays, and wanting to show off my new size 12 body, I had bravely slid myself into a pair of (very) short shorts, and a loose top to balance out the look. I suddenly felt like I was treating BH’s family to a bit too much of this jelly, and spent the rest of lunch trying to pull down the hems.

My niece and nephew were quite generous with their compliments and couldn’t stop saying how skinny BH and I were. I love kids 😀

While walking down the main street of Byron, I kept a close eye on anyone checking out my cellulite and thunder thighs, but thankfully no-one threw anything at me, so apparently I wasn’t being completely indecent.

After a delicious lunch of fish (sans chips), we decided to take a dip in the ocean. I put on my size 20 tankini (remember, it had been nearly a year since I had been swimming) and ran into the surf.    Then “this” happened.    I came up out of the water without my bikini bottoms.    There were screams, tears and lots of embarrassment.    All from me.

While I was quite pleased with whittling my weigh (geddit?) down into 60’s territory, I was NOT prepared to pose for Playboy just yet.  Sometimes I wish I was one of those girls who could just calmly bend down, pick up my pants and walk back to my towel like nothing happened. Unfortunately I am a bit of the “cause-a-scene-and-scream-until-the-entire-beach-is-crowding-around” type of girl.

BH promptly took me off to the closest surf shop to replace the missing bottoms. Of COURSE they only had size 14, or size 10.    I was determined not to go back up to a 14, and if it meant that I would be cut in half at the waist all summer, but not flashing innocent men, women and children, that was the way I had to go.  Then a funny thing happened…. The size 10 bottoms not only fit me, but they LOOKED AMAZING! I was riding high, and ready to get back out on that beach – but not until all of the perverts had moved on for the day.

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January 2014 – Back to work, back to reality. Urgh. But I am proud to say that I was still 100% on the diet. I had not deviated once during the break, and I was very proud of myself. We had a new manager join the company, and we posted a Facebook post welcoming him… And 1 MILLION people (or a lot anyhow) commented on how amazing I looked! WOW! I had lost over 30 kgs by this point, but it seemed that I needed to have some time off work for people to notice. And they did! 🙂

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February 2014 – February was MY TIME TO SHINE! It was my milestone birthday (a lady doesn’t reveal her age), and I had purchased a size 10 dress during the boxing day sales to wear for my birthday dinner, which I was unable to try on at the time, so fingers and toes were crossed (and thoughts, prayers and threats were being hurled at Nancy Ganz) that it would fit me. On the night it actually ended up being a little big for me, but still looked amazing! I paired it with a size 8 (SIZE 8!!) leather jacket from Myer.  My birthday present from BH was a beautiful Tiffany Key which I had been eyeing for a looooooooong time, and it really made my outfit! ❤


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March 2014 – So after my birthday blowout (sorry I didn’t mention it in February, I just didn’t want to tarnish my birthday month with my dirty, dirty ways), where I ate pork belly for dinner, chocolate mousse for desert and a “small” glass of champagne, I found it very hard to get back on the horse (please see April). I was really struggling, and now that I had reached the top of the 50’s, I found I really lacked the motivation to get going again.

People had started telling me that I was getting “too skinny”. TOO SKINNY??? WTF? I would have pushed my sister off a cliff a few months ago to hear someone whisper those sexy words in my chubby ears! But now? Now it was just messing with my head.

I knew that the bones protruding from my chest weren’t cute, and that people were commenting on how I’d lost my bum, but I was on my way to goal! I hadn’t even reached it yet! Should I keep going and hit that magical, elusive 47kgs, or should I stop now?

Does she eat her way back into a size 20, or does she persist and become the next Victoria’s Anorexic Angel? Stay tuned! 

April 2014 – After a very stressful few weeks at work, and to be honest, not eating much at all, I started to get a little low. And not in the cool Flo Rider way. No apple bottom jeans for this skinny girl.    I wasn’t losing any weight and I was struggling to fit in with this new “Skinny Girl” image.  I had been large for so long, I didn’t know who I was. And while that sounds very melodramatic, it was the truth and I was struggling to step out of the sumo suit.

To get me out of my #SkinnyGirlProblems, BH took me horse riding which had been one of my goals from the very beginning. At 100kgs, I thought it would be pretty damn cruel to jump on a poor horsey and bend him in half. So I decided that when I had reached the 50s, I would treat myself to a trail ride. Which is exactly what we did 🙂

I was so excited, and climbed on “Pot Luck*” nervously. I didn’t want to be the first person at the riding school to flatten the majestic beast, and it took me a long time to work up my confidence. Turns out that I had nothing to worry about – there was a fat little boy who was well over 100 kgs and while he did have trouble climbing onto the horse, unfortunately he was fine once he was up there. I say unfortunately not because I am a schadenfreude-esque bitch, but because I really felt as though we missed an amazing opportunity for something hilarious to happen. I was highly disappointed that he successfully trotted off into the hills, but I did keep a close eye on him throughout the ride.

*NOT Pot Belly!

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May 2014 – Mothers Day! So every year (well, I’ve done it twice now), I buy my mummy a ticket to the 8km Mothers Day Classic in Sydney. It is a great event, and mum and I run when we can (read: we run when we aren’t puffed out, or buying another coffee). My Nanny and Granddad joined us this year which was great fun, and we all went for lunch afterwards. I had hot chips, because I could. And yes, I did get a ‘mother lecture’.

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I know what you are all thinking…

It has been quite a while since I last posted, and I know that there have been rumors of “Oh, Fatty’s fallen off the wagon (wheel)!” and “I knew she couldn’t do it!”.   Well. No need to be rude. Fat people still have feelings!

Over the past couple of months, I have had my SIL’s family stay, the planning stages of a complete restructure at work (yes, it is unbelievable that someone would hire this mammoth of a woman! I guess my sparkling personality and hilarious jokes are worth my pay cheque!), my mother’s wedding <3, dramas with my BH’s job and the general day to day irritations of being an overweight blonde city girl.

So, to update you on the past month or so, I had Halloween dress ups at work (we dress up a lot… It’s a fun job!) and while I wanted to dress as a petite little Tinker Bell, I hadn’t yet lost enough weight, and had horrible images of looking like the love child of Kermit the Frog and Sally Struthers. Not. Hot.   So I channeled my inner goth, and went as Morticia Addams. I thought I had lost a bit of weight around the boobie area, but every single man kept saying: “Oooh! Elvira! Great costume!”. I guess maybe my shirt was a little low cut…….

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The Melbourne Cup was next, and I wore a cute (but professional) dress to work. I had heard an urban myth circling my weight loss group, but was skeptical… Until…… Let me start from the beginning.

I currently share an office with my Managing Director. He is a lovely guy, and we spend a lot of time joking and laughing. And working (if he happens to read this). This particular day, I reached for a folder and felt a fresh breeze across my buttocks. Unusual. I looked down, and to my complete horror, my underwear had migrated south, and were dangerously close to heading into Cankle Territory. JESUS CHRIST!

Had it not been for the fact that it was “washing day” and I was wearing those undies that used to be cute and lacy, but are now grey from too many washes and are barely held together from the elastic now masquerading as dental floss, AND that my boss was offsite at a meeting, I am sure I would have been done for sexual harassment*.

The moral of the story is, even though you don’t HAVE to wear stockings anymore…. It is probably a good idea to do so. And buy some new undies.

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The last event was my mothers wedding – or “THE EVENT OF THE YEAR”, if you will.  I had purchased my dress while I was still grossly obese, and as I had shrunk it began looking nicer and nicer. Maybe it is my reverse-body-dysmorphic-disorder, but I think I looked quite nice!

The wedding was absolutely wonderful, my mother looked stunning and the food was DELICIOUS! Ha! Tricked you! I can’t eat any “normal” food.

I was so busy on the day that all I could do was gobble down a Cohen Friendly hamburger pattie whilst bending over to reduce the chances of dripping burger juice on my dress and hiding behind the boot of the car so the other guests didn’t notice me being a freak.

A realisation that came from the wedding, however, was that I am waaaaaaaaaaaaay out of practice for rejecting men’s advances, as I have not been hit on in FOR. EVER.

Unfortunately it was a drunken member of my new step-father’s family, (hey, even though he was blind drunk, I was still picked up. I’ll take whatever I can get these days!) who wanted to dance all night and take photos with me. I had to keep reminding him that “We are family now!” and pointing him in the direction of some other not so related guests. Good times!

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*Just kidding. I work in the film industry. We don’t have any rules or laws against Sexual Harassment. In fact, it is highly encouraged!

Month 1 “keep it up, baby!” present

As you may have noticed over the past couple of posts, I may, sometimes be a bit of a princess. But not often.

My lovely sister-in-law and her family have been staying with us over this past week (hence the lack of blogs). As sisters-in-law do, we have been spending a fair bit of time shopping. Yesterday we went into Myer and I steered my BH towards the watch section as I needed some inspiration for a very special birthday coming up in December. While I was asking the (very unhelpful and uninterested) sales girl to show me some of the big chunky male watches, I eyed off a beautiful gold and “diamond” Armani Exchange watch.

Before I knew it, Miss Slow and Uninterested had wrapped up my watch and we were on our way!

What? What just happened?? BH didn’t even get to try on a watch! – It turned out later that a very clever BH knew EXACTLY what I was doing… And decided to throw a spanner in the works. A pretty, shiny, Armani spanner!  Who’s a lucky girl?!

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PICTURES: MONTH 1 WEIGH IN!

I had my first weigh in scheduled with Margaret on Saturday. The night before, my better half warily asked me the least amount of weight I would be happy with losing (I think BH was preparing for a tantrum the next morning… Which tends to end up costing A LOT of money!).

I went cautiously optimistic and said that I would be happy with anything less than 90kgs, but knowing full well that I would be disappointed with anything less than 65.

I have to confess, I did partake in my “toilet time” ritual, making sure I went IMMEDIATELY before weighing.

So I had a brief chat with Marg about my progress and because I was feeling quite apprehensive about the result and made sure that everything i was doing was correct.

I am very proud to say that I lost 7.4kgs and over 60cm off my measurements! I am now in the eighty’s! 88 kilos and WINNING!

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Prepare for the new photos!

It is Thursday morning, and I have 2 days until my first official weigh in! I hope you are all counting down with me!

In the past, I would usually try to “trick” the scales with little schemes and plots to ensure that I weighed in as light as possible. Let me give you some examples:

 

Not drinking water the day of the weigh in – VERY bad for you! And seeing that we have to drink 2-3 liters of water a day, it makes for an afternoon running to and from the bathroom.

 

Eating “light” foods, or skipping meals – This excuse used to be a favourite technique of this serial dieter.

I would think: Well, if I can hold off on breakfast until my 5:15pm weigh in… Then I can have a delicious dinner afterwards. Because then it is, what I like to call, “limbo”. You have just weighed, and you don’t start again until tomorrow. This equals FREE CALORIES!

By the time I arrive at the community center, I am so starving that I end up yelling at the lady recording my weight, who, may I just say, always seems to be eating something! Can’t you tell there are starving fatties in the line, Beryl? I don’t care if you have hit goal weight, I will jump over this table and smack that Weight Watchers bar straight out of your skinny hand! Come on!

 

Going to the bathroom as many times as you can before hand – Ooooh, this is a great trick. Go to the bathroom before you leave home. Stop at the petrol station to go to the bathroom on the way to the clinic. Go to the bathroom when you arrive at the clinic. Have a chat with your “Weight Loss Professional” (no peeing during this part), and most importantly go to the bathroom the second before you jump on that hateful chrome weighing station of disappointment.

I don’t care if you are sitting in the bathroom for 45 minutes trying to squeeze out those last of yesterdays water – those little yellow drops seem to weigh 45kgs each! You make sure you sit there and push like you are giving birth to Andre The Giant’s first child. It will be worth it. Promise.

 

Insisting that there is something “wrong” with the scales – The floor isn’t flat, the scales are on the carpet, the battery is dying, I had a different number on my scales at home, the lady in front of me obviously terrified the scales and they retained the number from her weigh in, etc.  I have seen many a scale hurled into the rubbish bin over my many years of dieting. I just can’t seem to find an accurate one!

 

Heavy clothes – You would not believe how many ridiculously deceiving weighty cardigans and scarves I own. Seriously. You would think that a beautiful, floaty Thai silk scarf would only way a few grams – but I am telling you, I have seen them as heavy as a small child! And don’t get me started on jeans! They are at least 5kgs a leg! Worse if you are wearing a belt. Oh, and I’m happy to deduct another kilo for the energy expended walking from my car (YES, I DROVE! Stop judging me!) to the community center – that weight wouldn’t have been taken from my Fat Bank yet, but I am sure it will come off over night. So lets count that in tonight’s weigh in.

 

Rest assured, if all else fails, you can just suck your tummy in on the day 🙂